HML, Volume 1 Issue 2

I always keep my Blackberry in a leather case. My friends made fun of me for it. Well guess what motherfuckers, when I took it out of it's case yesterday, it slipped out of my hands like a well lubricated dick (c'mon, I'm talking about girls who suck at handjobs) and it fell to the floor. I picked up and much like Piggy from "Lord of the Flies" said, "You broke my glatthes." The face of the Blackberry looks like the telephone booth in Hitchcock's "The Birds".

I spent much of my day on Tuesday applying to jobs as I do pretty much everyday. I actually got two interview offers, one from a temp agency and one to be a PA on a film. The film person seemed really excited to have me come interview. Here is what our correspondence looked like:

L: Hi Andrew, Would love to meet with you this Friday. Any time works for us

ME: Hi Laura, Anytime on Friday would be great for me. How does 12:30 sound to you?

Laura: Sounds Great! I look forward to meeting you!

SECONDS LATER

Laura: Sorry! We're located @

29 N Main St

Norwalk, CT 06854-2702

(203) 853-****

ME: I'm sorry to do this, but I'm based out of Brooklyn so the commute would be a bit too much to handle.

Laura: that's fine - thanks for the heads-up. good luck on future endeavors.

Connecticut. Who the fuck bases their film out of offices in Connecticut and advertises on listings for New York City? Oh, and while writing this, one of the places that I was supposed to interview at called to cancel our meeting for today and to reschedule next week.

I just found out via www.familywatchdog.us that I have 2 sex offenders living next door to me.

Here is my weekly rant:

It's become clear to me that breast-feeding in public is an epidemic. An epidemic that isn't confined merely to Manhattan, but situated primarily in Brooklyn. This new generation of parents want their children to grow up in an urban/suburban environment with, "tons of culture" and other douche-bag parents who believe their children will succeed in life as long as their sons don't get circumcised and their daughters wear the same clothing that their moms were made to wear when they, too, were little. It's not that I hate Brooklyn. I hate Park Slope. And Cobble Hill. And pretty much anywhere in Brooklyn where parents are rearing their kids. Who the fuck names their kid Byron and George? And those are just girls names. What about crayon colors like Cyon and Maybe? White people make fun of all those wacky names that black people give their children. Kevlar, Travonius, DeBrickawshaw (and those are just the names of Kimbo Slice's kids). White people are just as bad. No, sorry, worse. They bring back names from the dead. They were dead for a reason. At least black people have originality to come up with new names. Shine on, UrHeinous.

These Brooklyn parents suck. And I'll tell you why. I sat in on my aunt's class for parents who want their babies to learn sign-language. It really is a great idea and the class was actually kind of entertaining. Kids were waltzing around, dancing to music, being kinda cute. For a bit, I thought I liked children. But that notion turned sour like the milk that pours from their mother's teet. A perfect segway into the horror that befell me yesterday. As the sing-along was well underway, I noticed across from me a child began breast-feeding. Now, he was probably 18 months old. Perfectly normal but nonetheless distracting. I thought it was all over when I turned next to me and to my horror, I found a woman with her breast flopping out of her shirt with her 9 month old daughter hanging on for dear life. My problem is not necessarily breast-feeding in public. My problem is that it should be illegal to breast feed if you have Sloppy Boloneys as breasts. If your feedbags are hanging out there, go to the fuckin bathroom and shield the world from your googily-eyed monsters. You should be fined if you're ugly/have ugly boobs and you feed in public. Suck on that, hipster mom and dad.